What are the causes for a false start in a race – anxiousness, nervousness, competitiveness and even apprehension?  It takes cool nerves to hold your pose until the whistle blows and then you’re off. The rest is up to your conditioning, strength, speed and commitment. Everything practiced is now achievable.

When we find someone we’re attracted to and long to be near it is hard to control our emotions and hold our poise. We may find ourselves jumping the gun with our affections which could lead to complications. We may react nervously and not give our best impression. Anxiety may have us emotionally and mentally unfocused. And we may push too fast fearful another lover may stake claim.

How do we hold our cool when we find someone who excites us so much? Well every racer needs to practice discipline and focus to make sure not to take off to quickly or too slowly.

First we must be in good conditioning. Do we feel good about ourselves, confident so nervousness doesn’t overcome our best intention? Is our interest available and interested?

Having a full understanding of the race helps every athlete be prepared and having an understanding of a love interest will better equip you for your first move. The better you’re prepared; you’ll won’t false or worse yet, get shot in the foot.

When the going gets tough the sprinters get out.

 It was a little joke we had when I was on swim team. And being a sprinter, I must admit some truth.

Some may find the comparison of love and sport a little heartless, but in many aspects it couldn’t be any more similar because when it comes right down to it love and sport equates to our individual commitment and effort.

The differences between sprinting and distance are mental and physical, and even emotional. Sprinting is a full force burst of energy building to a climax and then you’re finished. It is purely physical and often high on emotion. Distance is a mental race of pace and calculation. It is physically challenging oftentimes removing emotion from the equation. Emotion could disrupt the mental strategy of a long distance race.

There is little doubt in the race for love there are sprinters and those who go the distance. As not all athletes are built for the same, the same goes for lovers. Sprinters tend to have many lovers – hot flames that burn out quickly and those who go the distance live often times contented (sometimes passionless) lives. Meanwhile sprinters always look for the one to go the distance and distance lovers often envy the passionate love affairs of sprinters. Is there a middle distance and how do you achieve it?

Conditioning: Basically we have to be in shape, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. If not in shape sprinters will burnout quickly and the distance lovers will hit mental blocks and emotionally withdraw.

Getting into shape requires understanding ourselves and our nature, are we sprinters or distance lovers? Sprinters may need to control the pace of a budding romance and their emotions and those going for the distance may need to work on building passion for the race and become emotionally involved, not just calculate the future.

We are all unique in how we approach love. Our success depends not on understanding the game, but ourselves as lovers.

 Visiting the backside of Portland meadows and saw the racehorses being trained and groomed it seemed very similar to watching NFL football players’ training. It is no doubt racehorses like professional athletes endure the same treatment.

So how does this compare to relationships? Professional athletes as well as racehorses are owned and their treatment is at the hand and sometimes mercy of another. People in relationships are not owned, but we are hitched.

Throughout my youth my mother had a magnet on the refrigerator that read:

“If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, she’ll never turn into an old nag.”

A truer statement has never been muttered. So how do we treat the people we are hitched to, with the best of care that rivals a prize thoroughbred or an old hag? Sometimes consumed by our own agendas we may not realize that in relationships we’re holding onto the reins too tight or whipping too hard. Or perhaps our loved ones don’t realize we’re chomping at the bit and ready to buck because the saddle is too tight. How do we know when we’re not treating the ones we’re invested with care?

Trainers and owners will push their athletes/racehorses to their satisfaction – money or championship. Although treated with the best care money can buy, what happens when the goal is met? How are racehorses/athletes treated when the light no longer shines – retirement, pasture and sometimes worse?

What happens in a relationship/marriage goals have been met – wedding, house or children? How do we treat the other when our personal agendas and objectives are met? Do we retire love or do we continue to care and nurture it? The answer depends on how we value love.

Although burnout is often associated with quitting, it is a lot different than not being motivated or the dislike of hard work. Burnout is mostly fatigue for a situation you don’t see much future for investment. I gave up swimming because it was affecting other areas of my life that I considered more important – creative and artistic endeavors that I valued more.

We can find ourselves burned out in relationships as well. We grow tired and lethargic. The effort to make the relationship work doesn’t seem worth it. What do we do when we reach burnout in a relationship?

Society, family and friends will tell you to keep working, maybe do couple’s therapy. They may even suggest you are depressed and encourage medication. How do you know if it’s a lull in the relationship or if the relationship is burned out beyond repair? Only you will know the answer – no one else.

We do many things at this stage in relationship that resemble handicapping. We make pro and con lists. We may read and research. We may assess gambles of staying and leaving. And we may even start the search for a new “race”. But in the end the question remains, are pastures greener elsewhere? If we at all hesitate with the answer, we have some serious contemplating to do.

Burnout is one of the most difficult things in life. I loved swimming and I still do, but it wasn’t my life. I am committed to writing and creativity which I will never tire. Love and relationships are no different. We can love a person, but they are not our life and eventually in such a relationship burnout can occur. When you find the love that suits you, you will never tire.

The issue with burnout in a relationship is society (family & friends) may tell you to suck it up, stay in the race. Nobody likes a quitter. It’s up to you if you reach this place – dull and mundane, or greener more heartfelt pastures.

Harold Abrahams

Chariots of Fire

For all those who have competed in sport and for all those with a desire or goal the closer you come to victory the more terrifying succeeding becomes. For many, love may be this dream and aspiration. It is the anticipation through years of dating – passion and heartache we look for the one that will make our heart complete.

 “I’m forever in pursuit and I don’t even know what I’m chasing.”

Harold Abrahams

Chariots of Fire

 This is the ultimate fear that victory will not satisfy. We may find ourselves at the victory gate of love (marriage) or we may find that person who attracts us like no other and out of fear we sabotage any chance. And in the end what is left is the nagging “what could have been” regret.

How do we make it to the winner’s circle confident and secure with our prize? How do we know it’s not a hallow victory? Once we have achieved our goals, are we satisfied? The answer is in our journey.

The doubts and insecurities we have in our pursuit carry through to the trophy and how we handle winning. In the movie, character Harold Abrahams harbored extensive insecurity being the only Jewish man in an elite British Anglican University. His competition and victory was not for his enjoyment and self-fulfillment but to prove his own self-worth. And in the end, he realized his gold medal was meaningless. It was a hallow victory.

It is the same with love when we pursue others who we believe will enhance our own worth – money, fame, success. They maybe admirable, attractive qualities for a partner, but they have nothing to do with love. These qualities reflect our personal inadequacies and eventually if there is success, it will never truly satisfy.

So how do we achieve winning without fear?  The answer is by not making the victory so important. There is no difference between losing and winning because no matter what, life goes on. A winner can be very much a loser and the loser can truly be a champion. It’s how you run the race and it definitely is how you finish the race that proves your quality of character.

The fear of love should never be winning or losing; it should be fear of not following our hearts and getting lost in our own baggage. The true answer to living and loving is to be careless of your standing.

 A coach can train an athlete to excel in sport, but does the coach truly know the condition of the athlete’s body and will. Coaches can train, push and drive to excel, but only the athlete knows their limit.

It is no different in the sport of love. We can be encouraged, pushed and driven in a relationship, but do those pushing know their lover’s condition and what is in their lover’s heart? Often times in sport, winning and losing are not only in the interest of the athlete, but the coaches, trainers and owners. Many have a stake in sports and many will have a stake in your relationships – good and bad.

Throughout my life I have witnessed many friends faced with the decision to do the right thing – myself included. And in every single case, the right thing was what is right in our individual hearts – not the expectations of others.

The failure of life and love is not giving up when the going gets tough; the failure of life and love is not recognizing the signs you are not following your heart. We can systematically and intellectually calculate our relationships, but if it doesn’t FEEL right, not matter how you rationalize it…it’s not right. The intellect is good in telling us to walk away from troubling situations, but too much thinking and rationalizing can turn our world to the mundane. And in this state many will lose themselves and their spark.

This is where relationships fail why there is such a high divorce rate – too many pushed to society expectation and not following their own heart and minds. It is really that simple.

Are we resigned and potentially doomed to decisions and mistakes we may make, or should we have the strength of heart and courage to believe in ourselves and that our own happiness will eventually rub of onto others? If we are bored, bitter, frustrated and resigned in our relationship, how does that affect others – family, friends and children? What message are we sending to others if we don’t care for our own heart? Or is it better to stay in a situation of unhappiness solely because it is a society expectation? Is doing the right thing denying our heart for the sake of the expectations of others and society?

 In the world of love and handicapping if there is no trade to assess potential loves how to we make a wager? As the world gets smaller, ironically I find the sales pitches, self-promotion and out deceit grow greater. Obviously as the dating market gets more saturated so does the advertising.

 So where do we go to get information to see if our love interest is worth the gamble – social networking, people search, or outright internet stalking? Have you ever run a background check on a date? For some, it’s not such a bad idea. The trouble with such techniques is even though you found your love’s statistics; really it’s just that – statistics.

 A handicapper still needs to place their bet. The race still needs to be run and the victor may be a complete surprise. And so goes the same for love – the pursuit needs to be made with the same heart and conviction an athlete runs the course. An athlete will not run the race simply because the odds are against them winning. Love is no different. You should always assume yourself a winner and if you lose, there will be another race.

Often times lovers will dive in without noting the risks and others will be too scared to take a chance. It is only weighing the chance versus risks do we know if the game is worth playing.

The risk: Heartbreak, unrequited love, peer pressure, society expectations and demands. Those of course are the obvious, but the main risk is always fear of the unknown. Pursuing a new love is like walking into a dark tunnel not knowing what you’ll find at the other end. It can be terrifying.

No gambler places a bet knowing the outcome. Will they be dealt a winning hand? Will their horse win the race or team win the game? But here’s the trick with the risk, we can’t lose what we don’t know. When we truly estimate our risk and most of the time the risk is not so great. It is our fear of risk and the unknown that keeps us from moving forward.

The chance: What are the rewards that could be reaped by winning, money or love? So weighing the risk and the chance, is the key to how much of an investment you make on the wager. If the risk is slight, by all means go for it. If the risk is higher, you may not want to make a big investment – perhaps a little more handicapping is required

The reward: In the world of gambling the reward is a given – the purse. A handicapper knows the odds, accesses the risk against the reward and places his bet. Love is not quite so simple because we do not know the reward. Will the love be great, or a disaster? So how do you access the risk, not knowing fully the reward? It is this dilemma that leaves many lovers in limbo.

The ultimate test is how much of a gambler are you? If you’re always one to bet the minimum on the horse with the best odds, most likely you will end up a winner with a very modest reward. The gambler, who bets big on gut instinct, may lose often, but when wins walks away with a huge prize. 

The question to ask yourself, are you one satisfied with a modest reward, or do you want the big prize?

 We all fear temptation, not because we dislike being tempted; we fear the pain our temptation may cause others we care about. Most do not feel good consciously hurting another, so we not only avoid temptation; we demonize it.

 In talking with friends and even my own person experiences, we have been tempted and we have tempted another. What does this temptation mean? Is it a test or faith of commitment? Are we being lured by a dark force down a seedy path? I don’t think so.

 Any temptation makes us question our current relationship, or at least it should. Perhaps under scrutiny temptation may help us count our blessings and be thankful for the love we have, or it may be the catalyst to lead us some place better.

How do we handicap temptation? How do we know to count or blessing, or is it an illumination for a different path? Generally we need to determine first how we feel about our current relationship and ourselves in that relationship. The caveat is however we most likely are being tempted because our deep seated feeling is because our current relationship is not secure; therefore temptation easily follows. If we had no doubt, there would be no temptation.

Managing doubt is always tricky. Are our doubts justified? The temptations we encounter may have less to do with our current relationships with loved ones then they do with ourselves. It has to do with our lives, our dreams, desires and all the secret stuff we fail to share with those closest to us. The temptation may come to show us an alternate path more suited to our most secret desires and needs. 

Our life and our happiness is so very simple if we learn to look past the daily messes we create for ourselves – the self-induced mini avalanches that impede our progress. That temptation may be what it takes to step over the rubble.

But still managing temptation is uniquely personal and intimate. Personally although I never acted on temptation, I have been lured by it and the results lead me to places I never thought possible. The most amazing positive experiences of my life came through temptation. If I have never tasted the forbidden fruit, I never would have realized how good it tasted and I would still be eating dust with unfulfilled cravings.

 I would find temptation one of the positive things a person could experience. It is a true gift because it will help determine your life and love’s course. Temptation is a tool that teaches us about ourselves. Don’t ignore temptation, embrace its meaning and allow it to lead you to a fuller life.

I would be hard pressed to call someone who doesn’t play their cards on the table a cheater. No, I’m more likely to consider them losers. You can’t be a winner at any game without giving it your all – to anyone. We have all witnessed champion athletes give it their all, regardless of conditions and/or injury. And when you hold back, the only person you are cheating is yourself.

Why would someone hold back and not play their cards openly and honestly? The answer is very simple – fear. It is fear of the outcome that would deride them from a comfortable path – a path well worn. As humans we can fear many things in life – sickness, debt, loss and death. The greatest fear many never overcome is love. Our fear of love is so simple yet we all complicate to such extremes – heartache, responsibilities, and loyalties to others and just flat our resignation to a certain fate.

Another possibility would be playing the game without any serious attempt at winning. You know all those mindless dating games we play. It’s called testing the waters. Why give it your all when you don’t know the conditions – cold, lukewarm or hot, so we hold back and until we know the conditions are clear. Some may find this hesitance prudent; I find it cowardice for we will never know the truth of love if not played fairly.

To love and to love fully is not to be afraid of its direction – how it may twist and turn us.  To love is to embrace it at every turn. Only we when have the courage and confidence to play our hand openly on the table do we have the chance of reaping love’s greatest rewards.